Welcome!

Hello, hello. Do you miss the days of original titles like 'Alien Storm', 'Ninja Gaiden' and 'Super 3D Noah's Ark'? Then you are in the right place, friend. No adverti...eh, wait. Well, it's all free and disillusioned! Anyways, DISTRACTION! Cast your mind back first, my friends...

The year is 1990, you're wearing your shell suit with pride, Happy Mondays are blazing out of your Hi-Fi as Gazza cries along with the rest of England (while the Celts & Irish laugh). You are cool. You are original. You're sittin there competing for high scores on completely original games that are completely unique!

If none of that makes sense, then to my disillusioned brothers and sisters across the pond...

The year is 1990, you're eating a cheeseburger as you watch Douglas knocking out Tyson, then there was THAT Vinnie '0.07' Johnson shot that silenced Detroit before the man in Washington takes you to war, where CNN are back on top for a while because of THAT audio report. All the while, you don't really care as you're sittin there competing for high scores on completely original that are completely unique!

Now what do we have? Kids in hoodies, listening to their 'Radioactive Boys' and their 'G Daddies' and their 'Alarms at the Rave!' rubbish, while playing insipid new-age titles like 'Oblivion', 'Halo' and 'Resident Evil'. Completely unoriginal, but somehow they are the top of the money tree.

And they're about to ruin my image of Fallout! @rse lickers, the lot of them! I mean, that 'VATS' thing? I'm pretty sure I seen that in Space Invaders (GAME!) or something back in the day. It's just not on.

The worst of them all? That bloody Geometry Wars. How dare it cast its wind swept mullet back in the air, as it drives down retro lane, speeding past the broken down OutRun car, taking a big steamy poop in the middle of Pac-Man's lawn - who then proceeds to gobble it up on the assumption it's a bloody power pill! Wakka wakka, man, wakka wakka...

This is the start. This is going to be big. I will herald in the revolution. It's time to cast our eyes backwards, not forwards; horizontally, not vertically to a time that has been forgotten.

But since that's never gonna f'n well work, I'll just b*tch about new games instead. Perhaps I'll find something I like about them. You never know. Quite liked that new Sonic the Hedgehog on the 360. That's how you hit back to the past while still being original. Sonic floating through walls, clipping into stuff - GAME! Mate, it's awesome. Buy it.